Imagine leaving your four-month-old baby to travel abroad to further your studies, then coming back to him not recognising that you are his mother.
The mom guilt cycle is never-ending, but to career women who had to swap caregiving for a career, it carries a heavier load.
Nation Lifestyle talks to mothers about the emotional detachment and guilt, coupled with endless questions that swirled through their minds, as they struggled with absentee parenthood.
In 2018, Esther Serem, an engineer, left Kenya for the UK to pursue her Masters degree. She was pregnant. At eight months, she came back to Kenya, gave birth, and left again when her child was five months old.
She had to stop breastfeeding her son when he was only three months old as she prepared to head back to finish her Masters degree in the UK. The guilt of weaning a tiny baby off the breast was immense.
I introduced him to formula when he was two months old and reduced the frequency of breastfeeding until the third month when I stopped completely. Emotionally, it was difficult, I wont lie, I was a new mom, she says.
What helped was that my husband, parents, and in-laws came up with ways to be in my babys life despite the distance.
She would connect with him through WhatsApp videos and audio calls. Her family would send her short video clips of her baby, which helped her see the growth spurts, like him saying mama, and crawling.
One of my lecturers also connected me with a group of new mothers who were studying in the UK and had left their children at home. Listening to their stories and how they were coping helped ease the emotional distress, says Esther.
When she came back, she says, she did not have much mom guilt, because she knew her mother had stepped in to take care of her baby in her absence.
Additionally, reassuring words that she was going back to school for the betterment of her childs future continuously rang in her mind.
The only rude realisation that I battled with was not having my child. I missed breastfeeding and holding him, she says.
But when her son could not recognise her, she decided to take her away from her mother.
He would call my mother mum so I took him away and the only person he could call mum was me, she says.
To compensate for lost time, she had to intentionally bond with her young family.
I ensured that I clocked out of work on time to spend time with him, bond with him, and nurture him, she says.
For mothers in a similar predicament, Esther advises that it is wise to ensure the children are left with people they trust.
Unlike Esther, who left her child, Mumba Mwansa-Mbewe, a Zambian journalist and communications expert, decided to relocate with her child in 2021 from Lusaka, Zambia, to Nairobi to join her husband. She relocated to maintain her family unit and avoid a long-distance marriage.
When this transition was happening, our baby was just 11 months old, she says.
As a result, acclimating to a new country with a newborn made her pause their job search for a year and dedicate her time and energy to motherhood.
With a newborn, an extra pair of hands is invaluable, affording us moments to tend to ourselves amidst the demands of parenthood. In my homeland, I was blessed with a network of relatives and friends who were always ready to assist with childcare whenever needed.
'However, post-relocation, this support system vanished, leaving only my husband to rely on, who was already balancing his professional responsibilities; I couldnt burden him further, she explains.
When her child was old enough to be left in a daycare, Mumba says selecting childcare proved to be the most challenging moment, marked by a series of trial-and-error experiences.
While seeking recommendations from both locals and fellow expatriates was helpful, I soon realised that every parent has their own unique style and beliefs regarding their own childs upbringing. Hence, I conducted extensive research, visiting multiple childcare centres and consulting trusted sources for recommendations. Ultimately, I relied on my instincts to guide me towards a childcare provider that resonated with my values and catered to the specific needs of my family.
Although she finally got a good daycare centre, which she felt aligned with her family values, she still wrestled with a mix of concerns and guilt. Would her child feel safe and comfortable in the daycare centre with unfamiliar caregivers? She wondered.
Additionally, I questioned whether relying on external childcare was the right decision. I was torn between providing for my childs needs personally and entrusting her to
